when it hurts deep down
[IN LOVING MEMORY OF GRAND-AUNT NORMAH]
22.11.08
01.20AM
DUE TO FAILED CARDIOLOGY
(DUNNO WHAT SHIT)


last night, work was as usual boring.
just that people ordered in more quantities.
& i heard 2 song repeatedly for the whole 3 hours.
bi played soccer for 4hours, yes FOUR. (spell it)
so definitely, he went to sleep earlier than ever.
(& he slept for a total of more than 14hours)
went home, was already so shagged very.
went online, & i couldnt remember why i did not blog.
i keep forgetting to do the stuffs that i wanted to.
was about to go to sleep when my bitch called me.
being ME, i don't have the courage to reject it nor fake
that i did not hear it or whatever else.
i answered, true enough; because i was still not asleep.
we were so emo, i do not know why.
don't know which aunty borned that son to make my bitch's
life so miserable.(she sounds very miserable)
but base on her nonsence, we made out many "IMAGINARY"
analogy for life & relationship.
me: "actually, i hate emos.i dont know why, we're emoing"
& the worst part is, i dont know why im EMO, also.
i've have what i wanted(almost) & got what i wished(almost).
i couldn't really remember what we said last night,
sleeping mode. we're practically in no mood to talk.
and we take turns to sigh. yes, sigh.. (HAISSSSSSH!)
the last part was, she wanted to go to bed early.
because she wants to start life afresh, she's gna go jog
2 rounds at the park near her house.
so, when i wanted to go to bed.. i realise i couldn't:(
just nice, busu reached home.. so we start preparing for
my bitches presents(:
the fact that we're both shag, is still there.
then then, someone called our home.
me: "wtf? so late at night?"
then my brother was so shocked, he passed the phone to busu.
the next moment i know was the both of them went to wake
my granny up from her sleep.
then i realised, my beloved grant-aunt(granny's brother's wife)
passed away :(
i didn't shed a tear then, i didnt believe it.
i swear i didn't. but i know i went puffing twice after that.
i saw a cockcroach(damn it, i forgotten how to spell)= ka zua
i thought it was her, but still i didnt let it come out of the drain.
i knew it, i swore i sense death last month :(
[i can sense death,in a way or another]
but nobody believed me, nobody did.
although i didnt believe that she passed on, i still think back
of the things i did with her.
my life regret:
few days ago, when we were told that she's admitted to
NUH due to heart attack (ICU), i didnt really care.
they went to visit her a few day later,
i didnt went. i thought she's fine, yes.
and am so tired due to work and all the problem i had
in hands. twice i escaped, twice i was excused from not going.
they planned to visit her today, was still thinking of escaping.
i just hate the idea of going to the hospital and still, its
so far away and the trip to and fro is very time consuming.
we gta wait for everyone to get ready then it'll be around 3 when
we leave, 1 and a half hour to go and another to come back.
what can i do? i got work at 6pm for goodness sake!
go there, stuck my ass for 10 mins and make a move?
that was what i was thinking.
she had her operation 2 days ago(if am not wrong)
everything still was FINE.
now.......
---------------------------------------------------------
so me & busu practically haf no mood to do the present.
to add on it, we're both already so exhausted from work.
& i had just too much to think and reflect on.
(i do reflecting everynight before going to bed, yes i do)
we packed everything up and off to bed.
i couldnt go to sleep :( i didnt wana accept the fact.
i dont want to wake up to find myself lost again.
slept at 2 plus almost 3.
3-4am (somewhere there), my right leg cramp.
yes, in the middle of my sleep.
it's the first time i have leg cramp while sleeping in my home!
used to have it only when staying over my ex's place.
so he'll wake up just to help me get over my cramp.
this time, nobpdy was there. i knew someone is still awake.
it hurts so much, i need to scream, i really need.
then i try to relax my muscles only to find out, i couldnt move.
still, i try very hard, and i dont wanna wake busu up
caus we hafto wake up early in the morning to go for the funeral.
then, i was fine after awhile. managed to go back to sleep.
slept for less than 5hours around 4 hours plus.
waked up at 7+ am, to head to jurong for the funeral.
yes, we trained there. i still couldnt believe it.
i was told by granny not to go near to the corpse because i just
finished my period and i havent bathe "clean".
(in the religious way)
too early to dress up, was told to wear something long.
didnt wanna wear baju kurong, dont know if i have any=.-
so i just clad in white polo and grey skinny.
(i hate wearing NF skinny)
and andd worst, i cant fold my skinny:(
so i ended up looking like some sort of lost minah mix ahlian
kind of look, damn !
saw busu's evil twin there _!_
she said i look like minah rep.
totally spoil my mood, act one very expert at there.
bragging about her newest and collection of her gadgets.
(hp, psp, and whatever....)
we knew we had to eat before going up to the place, to show respect.
so we got no where to sit except on the stairs near the interchange.
evil twin: "you all like orphans eating hungrily"
but in the end she also sit down. KAO PEI!
then she throw her empty bottle at me,
i threw back in front of granny.
(didnt get scolded tho) MUAHAHAH:D
and i told her, you look like some sort of
mat rep tak menjadi :D
with her FAKE jade, LOL.
she said mine's fake too! i say you dont believe
ask granny lur, cant see its gold meh?
=.-
we waited for them to collect the body from the hospital
for a total of 4 hours close to 5.
yes, many people was there.
i was dying to puff :( and this baby uncle of mine,
vomitted(motion sickness) LOL.
so we went to jurong point with him to buy him a shirt.
so we wrapped him in the (scarf) LOL.
i dont know why he likes it when i carry him, but his hands arh..
aiyo, anyhow put one . then nver hold properly.
*skip skip*
i was already very tired, so is the rest.(some just got back from night shift)
and this baby uncle of mine, keep clinging on me:X
caus im the only girl in the family who will carry him and
spin and spin like nobody business then swing him using only 1 hand to
hold him another to support his body weight.
my body was already shaking due to my tiredness,
and my right leg still hurts badly:(
im already sweating alot, and he's so heavy.
im tired of carrying him here and there, with 1 hand.
then i gta support with the another when i know i cant take it.
as usual, swing him, yes..
i sang "rock-a-bye-baby...on the tree top"
reallyyy, too bad nobody can imagine how i swing him,
as if he's sitting on a beach bed or whatever, then im the stupid tree.
i told him i cant take it, TOO BAD! A BABY CANT UNDerstand!
YES, damn it, he didnt stand up like before.
*too much fun for him i guess*
he's too busy giggling and smiling.
in the end, my hand cant take it, and he fell on th floor.
i was like "OMFG!"
YES! BLOODY FELL. good thing, he's still alright.
my brave babyboy, didnt cry.
everyone was like gonna kill me.
*luckily i rock him very low and near the floor*
he woke up, am squatting next to him when he hold my
face with 2 hands and kiss me then poke my nose with his
index finger. (: how cute, yes he's 3 years old!
then everybody start saying how much he likes me and yadayada.
for a moment, he called me "IBU".
everyone knows i hate babies! but babies love me.
=.- maybe caus i also very childish, ahboy said so!
i was like :" huh!? ibu, there lah. not me, there!"
then he come to me and call me ibu.
=.- everyone was laughing, so of course im so scared to even
entertain him anymore. but he still come running to me.
even after the fall, he still wants me to rock him.
when the body arrived, they bathed it while some waited outside.
and see the praying part from the window.
was told not to go near so i stand outside and watched by the window.
after they bathed her, she was placed in th middle of the living room.
and all the other girls, crowd and sit around.
so they do the normal routine *idk what its called*
before tat, busu was talking to me about funerals.
i never officially been to a malay funeral as in see them pray
and the body in front and the whole process.
only did went to the chinese one, and even the chinese graveyard.
told that i was not supposed to hold joss sticks nor burn
incense paper even to the dead.
(i'm sorry, i didnt knew. but it was the past, so not counted!)
LOL.
when the body is placed, they only reveal half of the face.
then people will start sprinkling the *idk what* thing in a
way (dunno how to explain)
OKAY, so everyone (almost) started crying.
i still didnt believe, i thought i'd never cry.
i never did cry for anyone's death.
neither do i think i'll ever cry.
yet, i cried, with heart full of regrets and apology.
i prayed hard that she'll forgive me.
i reminisce the part when she'll hug me and say
how beautiful i am (: i miss the part when we had
a family gathering and as usual i did not join the ladies,
crapping and gossiping she'll let me sit on her lap
cause there's no place to sit.
she'll tell me how beautiful i am everytime,
she'll tell me how much i grew.
even when everyone else has stopped crying, i did not.
i didnt sobbed hard, but i just cried.
to my shock, my brother put his arms around me and pat me.
he said softly, "see now you regret,next time if there's any
visiting see whether you'll go or not, dont cry"
and continue patting me!
for the bloody first time he did that to me, thankiu brother:D
i love youuuuuu!mwuahhhhhh!<3
until, i was ready enough to shake his hands off my shoulder.
we walked down and made our way to the bus.
it was already so late, my eyes are swollen and it's smaller than ever!
and my body shivers,
im so afraid im late for work :(
*skip skip*
reached home 5.20, take a quick bathe.
off to work, puff twice before start work.
my bosses can see how shag i am, already so tired
from crying and thinking, and my eyes looked as if
its gna close any sooner, but im not tired.
im not tired, i just wanted to be alone. i dont wanna talk,
i couldnt smile. i just wanna shut myself from the world.
the person i needed most, wasnt there. no one was there to
comfort me this time, too lazy to go and find one.
i needed a hug badly, but too lazy to go down and
get a hug from my dearest friends:(
busu sent me my dinner at work.
i worked for 1 hour only today. my bosses said i looked
terrible, they dont want me to fall ill and thus skip work tmr.
neither do they want me to faint.
so i went home.
now thinking back, today is my worst day.
never had anyone said i looked so bad, and all my
feelings can be read just by looking at the way i talk
and the way i looked.
my hair is in a big mess, but i do not bother.
(cant even be more bothered)
my voice is too soft that my customer had to "huh?huh?huh?"
(i think i sound too gentle=.-)
and i got no moolahs :( why wont anyone volunteer to pay
at least some sum of amount that they owe me?
hais,
it really hurts me till now.
i still feel like crying, i wished someone will pat me to sleep now.
and whisper "dont worry baby, everything's fine now"
but too bad, its just a dream
and MY BF IS HAPPILY TONNING AWAY. YES, HAPPILY.
NO MESSAGES FROM HIM YET!